Coach the Right Way

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, Al Pacino stopped acting in good movies, Metallica sued Napster and Larry Brown coached a terrible basketball game. Yes, even the best of the best can make a mistake. Although some of the aforementioned examples are more egregious than others (Gigli, anyone?), Larry Brown’s effort this past Saturday was not the work of a Hall of Famer.

Everything seemed to be going as planned. Stephen Jackson was dominating. Nazr Mohammed was continuing his hot play. It was a great first half. But it all seemed to change in the blink of an eye. A 10 point second half lead was all but completely reversed by the time I hit up the concession stand for a 9-dollar beer. The questions started racing through my mind. What the hell just happened? Did Chris Paul put off knee surgery to play tonight? Who let 2003 Peja Stojakovic in the building? Why is Stephen Graham still on the floor? Why is DJ Augustin still on the floor? WHY IS DESAGANA DIOP STILL ON THE FLOOR?!

Minute by minute, the deficit and my anger grew. No timeout. No subs. I clenched my watered-down, overpriced lager like I was gripping the wheel of an out-of-control Toyota. I was fuming. The end of the third couldn’t come fast enough. Okay, five points. That’s manageable. Larry’s got to just be saving the starters legs for a 12-minute assault. Right? Nope. Out come the reserves.

The minutes go by — still no Stephen Jackson. Darren Collison drives for another basket — still no Raymond Felton. The Hornets lead increases and Stephen Graham is starting to think he’s back at Oklahoma State — still no Stephen Jackson. Finally, with 6:30 left in the freaking game, S-Jax returns. What does he do? Two three-point plays in less than two minutes to bring the Cats that close to a victory. There is absolutely no excuse him being out that long. Hell, Gerald Wallace missed the previous game with a hamstring injury but managed to play all but three minutes of the game. Meantime, Stephen Jackson saw seven fewer minutes of action than Boris Diaw. That’s never a good thing.

You can blame it on the defense, which was unbelievably shoddy, but much of that had to do with the personnel on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, I like DJ and Stephen Graham. They’re great role players to have. But you have to expect them to give up the lead when they’re playing against the opponent’s studs. And when you’re losing in the second half and no one is in foul trouble, they don’t need to be in. By the way, Diop only needs to be in when fans are in desperate need of comic relief at the end of a blowout. He’s the human victory cigar — a stogie that’s been rolled around in dog feces. Do we really have to see him instead of Derrick Brown? Really?

If Larry Brown didn’t wipe out all chances of a victory against a depleted Hornets squad, Boris Diaw sure did his best to make it happen. His ability to suck never ceases to amaze me. In hindsight this was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen at a professional basketball game, but at the time it was infuriating. Diaw was perfectly set up by dribble penetration and received the ball at the three-point line. There was not an opposing player within 10 feet. The crowd rose in optimism. Surely this will go in. But Boris wouldn’t let the fans have the satisfaction of a shot attempt. As soon as he pulled the ball down, a cacophonous groan swept through the arena. He dribbled away, forced a pass to a heavily guarded teammate, who then had to throw up a circus shot before the clock expired. Everyone was stunned. From there on out it was game over for Boris. He proceeded to step up his passiveness a notch by playing hot potato as soon as he got his hands on the ball. He’s playing so bad we couldn’t trade him now if we wanted to. Who the hell could we get in return? Brandon Bass? I’m sold. Somebody call Mark Cuban.

Somehow, despite the poor coaching and nauseating play from Diaw, the Cats came awfully close to winning. But again, free throws did us in. How much more can I stress it? The Bobcats shot 66% from the charity stripe. That’s awful. Flip Murray missed four in a row with less than two minutes left. Playing the right way starts with defense and fundamentals. Making free throws is fundamental. You can’t win close basketball games without them. Just ask all John Calipari-coached teams. And to the untouchable Larry Brown: coaching the right way starts with playing your best players whenever you can.

Taking It on the Chin

I’m not upset the Bobcats were blown out by the Blazers. Sure, I wouldn’t prefer that outcome. But I’m not upset. Every now and then you need to get whooped up and down the court to put you in your place. Coming up one win short of a franchise record four straight road victories is nothing to get down about.

This is probably the toughest six game stint the Cats will face all year, and the worst they can finish is 3-3. At this point that’s probably how it’s going to end up. The glass is totally half empty going into tomorrow’s game against the Lakers in the Staples Center. After all, they’re up against NBA World Champion Adam Morrison and the man, the myth, the legend Sasha Vujacic. We need to find some way to move Desagana Diop to the Lakers’ roster. The benefit to the Bobcats is glaringly obvious, but it would also solidify the most abhorrent bench in the history of sports. Diop, Morrison, Vujacic — worse than the worst Nic Cage movie.

So why are my expectations so low? For starters, Boris Diaw tricked me into thinking he’s a valuable basketball player. Before my inbox becomes inundated with complaints from Diaw apologists, explain this one to me.  How do you play 70+ minutes over two games and take 7 shots? You can count on Stephen Jackson to rip off 7 shots in 5 minutes without breaking a sweat. Breaking a sweat — another thing Boris Diaw doesn’t do.

Don’t give me that bull about how he’s a distributor, always looking for the open man. He’s afraid to shoot! Bottom line. His teammates do all the dirty work to get him an open shot, and he won’t take it. Maybe if someone dangled a bear claw in front of face he’d be a little more motivated. If you think I’m being too rough on Boris, tell your boy to prove me wrong. Show me some consistency and I’ll show you a retraction.

OK, the real reason I’m not fretting the loss against the short-handed Blazers or the pending loss in L.A. is because this tough six-game stretch is followed by the easiest stretch of the season for the Cats. After we lick our wounds from the Kobe-Morrison beatdown, we get the Artists Formally Known As the Charlotte Hornets, the Artists Formally Known As the Washington Bullets (wink, wink Gilbert), the hapless Timberwolves, and back at home against the horrib… uhh suddenly formidable New Jersey Nets! (You remember what happened last time we underestimated the Nets.) Hell, I’ll even throw in the Cavs game after that. Yeah, they’re the best team in the league. But don’t forget we’ve won the last two meetings. And the Cavs have a lot working against them, namely Coach Mike Brown, who goes out of his way to make sure LeBron James doesn’t use his athleticism to his full potential.

So let’s just push those 21 turnovers and 40% shooting performance against the Blazers out of our minds. And don’t worry about how they do against the Lakers. The Bobcats doubled their road win record over the past week and a half. That should be enough to hold you over until we can get back to the Cable Box. That’s where we go to work. If you see Boris Diaw, tell him to show up.

Congratulations G-Force

2009-2010 Eastern Conference All-Star

Stephen Jackson Gets Intimate… Again

“I make love to pressure.”

It’s been a couple weeks since that Stephen Jackson quip. And Casanova of the Court was caught on tape making love last night too.

What an addition he’s been. For all the inane moves Jordan and GM Rod Higgins have made in the past three years, the Stephen Jackson acquisition makes up for them all. This team is playing for the John Wall sweepstakes without him.

An added bonus has been the signing of Flip Murray. He earns a little less than two million dollars a year, making him the best bang-for-the-buck guy in the league. Consider this: when the Bobcats take the floor with Felton, Jackson, Wallace, Diaw and Murry they’re outscoring opponents by 38 points on the year. Replace Murray with Mohammed and they’re outscoring teams by 7 points. Replace Murray with Chandler and they’re getting outscored by 24 points. (Searching for Tyson Chandler excuse…)

Murray did his best Jason Voorhees last night, driving a stake through the heart of the Suns, who have now dropped seven of their past nine. Think Amare Stoudemire will be shipped out soon? You betcha. Let’s just hope he doesn’t go to the Bulls. He won’t have to play a lick of defense (thanks to Joakim Noah) and will still have a top point guard feeding him the rock. If it happens we can still count on Vinny Del Negro to call a timeout when they don’t have one or pull Derrick Rose in the 4th quarter for the likes of Lindsey Hunter. How does he still have a job? He makes Sam Vincent look like Red Auerbach. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be wrong at work all the time with no repercussions? You’ll get ‘em next time coach!

Actually, Stoudemire might not want to go to the Bulls once finding out they play the Cats two more times this year. Last night he was held to a pedestrian 12 points, while he and Steve Nash turned the ball over a combined 11 times. (The Bobcats only had 12 turnovers as a team.) Larry Brown has made it quite clear he’s going to make teams beat us by hoisting up three point attempts. If you go back and look at the Miami game, there were often times when no one on the Cats could touch a Miami three-point shooter with a yard stick. This defensive mentality is a little unnerving to watch. I find myself screaming at the TV, “Come on! He’s wide op… Good D, Good D!”

By packing in the paint and doubling down on bigs, it takes away the playmakers like Dwyane Wade and Steve Nash. Phoenix shot a whopping 34 threes last night and made 15 of them. If this approach worked against that gang of shooters, I’m confident it will work against any team. Just to show you how little teams respect the Bobcats jump shooting ability, the Suns played a 2-3 zone for long stretches of the game. It may have actually worked if Phoenix played defense like it’s a priority instead of a chore. Those guys are finished. It’s time to blow up the team. P.S. — Thanks for taking on Jason Richardson. It looks like that’s working out well for you.

The most telling thing about that victory wasn’t Steve Jackson’s ongoing relationship with pressure or Flip Murray’s contributions, but the ability for the team to come back late and win in overtime after its star player fouled out. It’s a testament to the unselfish play of Boris Diaw and the leadership of Raymond Felton. The Cats simply wanted it more. And sometimes that’s what it takes when you don’t have a Steve Nash or an Amare Stoudemire. It takes heart (and a little love making).

How Things Change

My, oh my, how quickly things change. One second you’re getting two-minute breakdowns on SportsCenter, the next minute you’re getting jeered by local news anchors.

You shouldn’t be surprised. This Bobcats season has been comprised of winning and losing streaks. I feel like I’m being led on by the hot girl on campus. We’ve gone from she totally wants me; she’s come over the past four nights to she won’t even look at me; she’s spreading rumors about my sexuality.

Tonight’s loss at Denver hurts big time. No Melo and no K-Mart should have paved the way for a Pacquiao-style beatdown on an overrated Nuggets team. But the Cats protected the basket like Adrian Peterson protects the football. The offense kept them in the game, but when Aaron Afflalo is ripping you apart, it’s tough to win. The Bobcats went from the fifth seed to the eighth seed in the East over the course of the weekend. Ouch.

This should serve as a wake-up call to all those folks who championed the unstoppable force that is Nazr Mohammed/Desagana Diop. “We don’t need Tyson Chandler,” they say. “See! Look how we were winning without him.” Uhh… no. Sorry, my delusional friends. Tyson Chandler, however flawed, would have won that game tonight. He’s never going to drop 30 points. But he’s big and athletic, and most importantly, he alters shots. You’re telling me he wouldn’t have done a better job on Nene than Diop did? Come on. Gerald Wallace is playing way too many minutes. And since Nazr is better suited on the offensive end and Diop is better suited bagging groceries, G-Force and Diaw are having to guard guys twice their size. It worked during the recent homestand, but it’s going to wear them down quickly. Mark my words: this team is infinitely better when Tyson Chandler is in the rotation.

I don’t think it would hurt the team to take a few more free throw reps in practice from now on. The Bobcats rank among the league’s worst in free throw shooting, and it’s definitely cost them of late. Tonight, the Cats laid some serious bricks, barely making seven out of every 10. Same story against the Magic and the Hawks. It was refreshing to see the Nuggets sink 85% of their attempts from the charity stripe. Can’t we sign some goofy, unskilled dude from Valparaiso who shoots 90% from the line? We could just feed him vodka bombs before the game and turn him loose to drive straight at Dwight Howard like a madman. Hey, it could work for a game or two. At this point, I’m not above anything to get back on the right track.

Speaking of acquisitions, I may have jumped the gun saying this team is a playoff team as is. I would love to see a midseason move to bring in a rebounding power forward. Pick your poison: DJ Augustin or Boris Diaw. At least one of them would have to go. The rumor swirling around is that Jordan isn’t ready to give up on DJ. According to my buddy who works for the team, DJ kills Raymond Felton in practice. Why aren’t we seeing any of that? We know you can shoot. Show us you can run an offense. By the way, there have been no reports of Desagana Diop killing anyone in practice… on any team… ever.

Someone needs to right this ship. Charlotte is actually getting behind this team. The Orlando game was packed, and I actually overheard two 35-year-old women talking about the Bobcats in the grocery store the other day. Let’s not lose these fair-weather fans just yet!  Let’s take down the Suns, the Stephen Curry’s, and the Kings.

Cat’s Out of the Bag

Two things I learned from sitting courtside at the Heat game: the Bobcats are a well-oiled basketball machine, and NBA players are sensitive.

I’ll get to the latter in a bit, but first let me paint you a picture of this courtside experience. My regular season seats are far from flawed. Actually, they’re quite good. But after Wednesday night, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sit there again. I’ve been eating sirloin all season long, and I just had my first taste of filet mignon.

I really don’t know why, but I felt legitimately nervous walking down to the floor. I felt like I was doing something illegal, like I was going to get tackled by an officer at any moment. Am I supposed to be here? What do you mean you’ll take my order from here? Sitting to our left was Charlotte’s big-shot lawyer who defended ex-Panther Rae Carruth on murder charges and Hornets owner George Shinn on sexual assault charges. Further down to our right was the unmistakable Julius Peppers. Am I supposed to be here?

I was really worried about spilling my beer on the court. I didn’t want to be the guy who ended Gerald Wallace’s season when he dove after a loose ball and broke his pelvis in a pool of party. Sure enough, I found myself frantically rubbing in a spill with my Chuck Taylors midway through the first quarter. Classy.

The Bobcats, as they have been accustomed to doing lately, jumped out to monster lead — scoring at a torrid pace. They shot a franchise record 82% in the first quarter. The basket must have looked like the Atlantic Ocean. Three-point plays were dropping left and right. It was uncanny. S-Jax had 15 points in the first period and Nazr Mohammed had 10 of his 16.

I don’t know how I never noticed this before, but have you heard how the Bobcats’ announcer refuses to say Nazr Mohammed’s last name? I understand calling players by their nicknames to spice things up. But it’s glaringly obvious the organization’s trying to downplay his Muslim-ness when you hear, “SHOOTING TWO FROM THE LINE… NAZR!” Ahhh, the post-9/11 NBA. I wonder what they would have called Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf. “SCORE THE BASKET… NUMBER 3!”

You really get an idea of how teams function when you’re sitting that close. I noticed a stark contrast in communication between the first and second half. You could hear a pin drop when Miami was on D. They were either confused or disinterested. The Cats, on the other hand, were constantly chatting. “Switch, double, baseline, close out.” They were all on the same page, frustrating the hell out of D-Wade. When Wade picks up four fouls in the first half, you know you’re getting under his skin.

I suppose a lot of folks would rather see a close game from the luxury of courtside seats. I can’t argue with that. But blowouts are a perfect time to jeer the opposing squad, and Miami has a lot to make fun of. I didn’t think it would actually have an effect on their play, but I’m pretty sure it did. There’s something empowering about being inches away from a player and tossing around barbs like, “Hey, Beasley! I’m in the market for a bad tattoo. Where’d you get yours?”

If anyone deserved heckling, it was “Super Cool Beas” himself. Why would you ever give Gerald Wallace and Stephen Jackson the satisfaction of saying you’ll cruise to an easy win against their team? Nothing about professional basketball has come easy to Mike Beasley. He shot 3-11.

Jermaine O’Neal will make 23 million dollars this year, and he was one of the worst players, if not the worst player on the court. He got absolutely owned by Mohammed and Boris Diaw. I’m not sure you could slip a phone book under O’Neal’s feet when he skies for a rebound. Thanks to games like Wednesday’s, he and Tracy McGrady are in a tight race for biggest salary reduction next year. Their expiring contracts account for more than half of the U.S. aid money sent to Haiti. Just so you know, O’Neal doesn’t like it when you talk about his contract or his bum knees. He scored four points.

Now, of course I’m not suggesting that a few die-hard fans swayed the outcome of a professional basketball game. The Bobcats ridiculously staunch defense took care of that. But I knew I hit a nerve when Jermaine got that Malice at the Palace look in his eye again. (This is about when I sank into my seat.)

After that dominating performance, the Cats aren’t sneaking up on anyone anymore. You hold a playoff team under 20 points in every quarter and you’re going to get some attention. Several more tests lie ahead, as the Cats take a trip to Atlanta before coming back to host the defending Eastern Conference Champion Magic. I wouldn’t have given us much of a chance a couple months ago, but Charlotte is the hottest team in the league. Yup, your 2010 Charlotte Bobcats are 9-1 — the best team of the decade (to date). Let’s keep it up!

Diaw’s Revenge

Somewhere Boris Diaw and Conan O’Brien are smiling.

Both were brought to their posts under the premise that they would outshine competitors. And after months of stale jokes and missed 15-footers, we were ready to write them off for good. Then something extraordinary happened. They flipped the switch and immediately started performing at a high level — a level greater than we ever believed they were capable of reaching. It’s quite clear what fueled Mr. O’Brien (and he is absolutely on fire), but we may never know what provoked this play from Boris. And while it looks like Conan is headed for free agency, #32 isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve been relentless in my criticism of Diaw, and I don’t apologize for it. Save Desagana Diop’s lifeless body, Boris Diaw has been the biggest disappointment on the squad.  I know he was understandably lost in the shuffle when the Cats brought in Stephen Jackson. But he seemed unwilling to adjust; he was simply going through the motions. Maybe it was Coach Brown, maybe it was the Den, but Boris Diaw is now playing like a man possessed on both ends of the floor.

Diaw’s never been known for his defense. Actually, he’s known for how bad his defense is. But did you see the way he… wait for it…. manhandled Tim Duncan?! It was mind-boggling. Boris Diaw stymieing Tim Duncan in the post. That’s equivalent to Bill Paxton out-acting Bobby De Niro — it just doesn’t happen. Duncan was held to 10 points on 4-12 shooting, while trying his very best to look like Patrick Ewing running up and down the court. I’ve never been a Spurs fan, but it was almost bittersweet for me to see Duncan playing so poorly and looking so weathered. He was the most commanding and skilled big man of the past decade. Now, he’s slipping into mediocrity.

Diaw’s defense against the Spurs was something to remember, but his play on the offensive end was nothing short of remarkable. He was tactical and assertive, showing off an array of post moves and stretching the floor to knock down all four threes he attempted. There were times earlier this year when Diaw would have passed up those opportunities. He’s the quintessential Larry Brown player: versatile and unselfish. But the latter trait can often turn into a detriment when you need a big shot. Boris certainly hasn’t been shy about pulling the trigger this week. He’s shooting 66%  from the field, averaging 23 points, pulling down 9 boards, and still managing to average 4 assists. If you can get those numbers out of your third best player, you’re in pretty good shape.

While Boris had his game of the year, Gerald Wallace may have just one-upped him. This dude was in on every single play. He finished with four steals and five mammoth blocks, one of which ended with Duncan getting some Old Spice in his beard. Wallace comes to work every night with his lunch pail and his hard hat, ready to do the dirty work no one else wants to touch. Hey, Panthers fans: if you’re tired of witnessing the lackadaisical efforts of the great Julius Peppers, drop by the Cable Box and become inspired by the greatest athlete in your town. His effort will re-instill your faith in professional sports. You’ll leave saying, “I got my money’s worth watching Gerald Wallace play.” By the way, there are plenty of open seats.

I have to give props to Larry Brown’s ingenious gameplan. The Spurs lead the league in points in the paint, and it was clear Coach Brown was going to make them beat us from the outside. The Spurs got several wide-open looks from three point land but failed to connect. The strategy was tipped off pretty early, when the Bobcats had two defensive three second calls on back-to-back possessions in the second quarter. But whatever flaws were exposed in the game plan during the first half, Coach Brown had them corrected at halftime. LB is the best coach in the league at making adjustments. Take a look at the second halves of the past three contests. The Spurs and Rockets both put up a paltry 34 points. Memphis scored 35. Those are low-scoring halves for college teams working with four fewer minutes of gameplay.

I wouldn’t be too shocked if the Cats dropped tonight’s game to the Suns. Their starters have gotten a lot of minutes against some of the league’s best teams. It’ll be interesting to see what Larry Brown pulls out of his hat for the Suns’ seemingly unstoppable pick and roll offense. But I know one thing, Phoenix better bring it. This Bobcats squad has toppled two top five teams in the West this week, and our guys are itching to get to that .500 mark.

Gerald Wallace is an All-Star

First and foremost, I want to apologize for the delay in responding to one of the greatest Bobcats games in history. I’ll chalk it up to me going absolutely bananas after the game, drowning myself like Vin Baker and waking up in a tennis court in East Charlotte at 5:45 in the morning. (That last part may or may not be true.) Nevertheless, it was a game worth celebrating.

The Cats have had some semi-remarkable comebacks this year, but they all pale in comparison to Saturday’s against the Grizz. Whatever Mr. Brown had to say at halftime sure worked. The Cats outscored their opponents 47 to 35 in the second half. Any time you hold a team to 35 over two quarters, I’d say you’re pretty much golden. That’s the best defense I’ve ever seen in professional basketball. My seats aren’t exactly courtside, but I’m pretty sure I saw a trickle of sweat pour down Boris Diaw’s chubby cheek. That’s how you know your team is firing on all cylinders.

Memphis is sure a bizarre team to watch operate. So much young talent, yet they seem to hate defense and fundamentals, or as I like to call it, a case of the Antoine Walkers. Rudy Gay has the genetics to be one of the best players in the league, but he mails it in every other night. I don’t understand it. If he spent a summer training with G-Force, he’d be unstoppable. (As a side note, have you ever noticed how commentators refer to Rudy Gay? It’s always his first and last name. Always. It’s like the antithesis to the Madonna or Bono name drop. Five bucks to the first person who hears Mike Breen or Doug Collins say, “Mayo lobs it up top for a Gay slam!”)

Too bad a lot of people didn’t get to see that incredible game. It wasn’t on television and probably about five thousand showed up to see it live. Isn’t it a pity that your arena is named after a cable company that can’t find a way to broadcast all home games. In case you missed it, nba.com’s top ten plays are chock full of highlights.

Bobcats Top 10 Extravaganza

Need I even say how deserving Gerald Wallace is of an All-Star invite? He’s first in the league in minutes per game, fourth in rebounds per game, sixth in double-doubles, and the Bobcats are in the 7th spot in the East. Of course he’ll never get voted in by the fans because, well, fans are idiots. Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson are likely to start! Are you kidding me? They have to revamp this system. It’s absurd. Guess which one of these guys is ahead of G-Force in All-Star voting: Danny Granger, Michael Beasley, Rashard Lewis, Hedo Turkoglu, or Caron Butler.

Give up? It’s all of them. Apparently you have to be hurt, have bad tattoos, shoot a terrible percentage, or be really ugly to get fans’ votes. Need more proof? Luis Scola is breathing down Kevin Durant’s neck in the race for Western Conference forwards. (Face palm.)

LET’S GO CATS!

Are You a Believer?

Evidently, when the Cats aren’t playing basketball or frequenting the Uptown Cabaret, they’re reading the Den. After I blasted their inability to close away from home, they string together two super impressive road wins against arguably the best team in the NBA and a surging Miami squad. After following up those wins with a controlled takedown of the Baby Bulls, I’m convinced. However flawed, this team has what it takes to make the playoffs. Anything less would be a huge disappointment.

I’ve been way critical of Boris Diaw and will try my best to convey the utmost disdain for him every time my fingers find the keyboard. But even with the paunchy Frenchman, this team goes to the next level. I’ve been bragging about their defensive prowess from the get-go, but ironically enough, that’s fallen on the back burner during this mini streak. I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but the Bobcats are actually outshooting their opponents. I know, it’s an unfathomable thing. They haven’t been those early-season Slobcats that turned the ball over with the fortitude of a thousand Jake Delhommes. They’re not just beating teams solely by hustle and opponent indifference. Right now, they’re competing with the best of the best in every facet of the game — and winning.

Two more winnable games are ahead this week: at New York and home versus Memphis. Don’t look too far past that. We could be in for a reality check when the Western Conference powers fly into Charlotte-Douglas International. Houston, San Antonio and Phoenix await. These past three victories have won me over on the Cats playoff chances. Hell, if they win three out of the next five it could be enough to bring on even the Panthers’ bandwagon fan club.

Road Woes

Things are always better in your home. The food, the bed, the couch, the toilet — all enjoyed more in the comfort of your own abode. If you’re searching for a way to relate to NBA players, this is it. Time Warner Cable Arena is where the Bobcats prefer to eat, sleep and defecate (so to speak). And when the Cats are on the road, they’re extremely uncomfortable.

Everyone has a friend who refuses to go to the bathroom in public places. The Bobcats are that friend. They’re scared to death of relieving themselves in McDonald’s. It’s just not home. But if that friend doesn’t visit the stall away from home, he or she is going to make a mess of themselves. And folks, the Bobcats need some new britches.

Wrap your mind around this statistic: the Cats have the third best home record in the Eastern Conference — better than Boston and Miami. Pretty amazing stuff, considering they’re 22nd in attendance. It’s just something about seeing one in every five seats filled that makes Gerald Wallace go nuts. You would think some of that momentum would carry over to a short road trip, but no. The Bobcats have the second worst away record in the NBA, topping only the lowly New Jersey Nets. (Oddly enough, one of the Cats 14 road losses came at the hands of those Nets.) As a season ticket holder, I’m thrilled the Cats win pretty much every time I go see them play. But go ahead and write off the playoffs if this team can’t find some semblance of resilience on the road. It’s downright pathetic.

If fans are searching for something to be thankful for this holiday season, remember, it could be worse. They could have the same schedule they did in the 08-09 season. At least we’re getting some of these road games out of the way now. Last year, the Cats had 26 of their final 41 games on the road. And while they were fighting for that last playoff spot, they had six of their final eight games away from home. You can thank the fine folks at Time Warner and Mr. Bob Johnson for that. They just had to host the circus in the midst of the NBA season. When Bob Johnson gets chance to put an elephant in his arena, he doesn’t pass it up. This also explains the drafting of Sean May.

Save a few games this season, the Bobcats aren’t getting blown out on the road. The blowing that’s typically going on is when they have a late lead. For a case and point, look no further than the Toronto game. Up one with just over a minute left, and they decide to panic and turn the ball over. Their inability to close is like that of a 35-year-old virgin. It’s depressing. That Toronto game almost looked staged. It was as if the team decided,”Hey, Toronto fans. We’re sorry Vince screwed you over. And we know you’re losing Chris Bosh. You guys need to believe in your team. This one’s on the Americans, eh.” Pathetic.

The outcome could have been different if Boris Diaw wasn’t wandering around aimlessly on defense again.

1:55 Boris Diaw Fail

In case you missed it, Gerald Wallace is playing center there. C’mon, Coach Brown. You’re telling me Nazr couldn’t have guarded Bosh down the stretch, allowing G-Force to guard Bargnani and keep an eye on the passing lanes. WHY IS BORIS DIAW IN THE GAME?

Bottom line, you can’t dominate solely at home and expect to make the playoffs. It doesn’t work that way. It’s time for this team to grow up and learn how to drop a deuce in someone else’s house.